


How the Hell Did That Happen?

by DaisyChainz



Series: Good Omens Ficlets [3]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Post-Trial (Good Omens), Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:36:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyChainz/pseuds/DaisyChainz
Summary: Aziraphale has a realization about the Ineffable Plan. Crowley isn't too pleased to hear it.





	How the Hell Did That Happen?

They were just finishing a bottle of wine as Aziraphale took his last bite of red velvet cake. He closed his eyes and let the flavors spread over his tongue, overtake his senses. The taste, the textures, the sweet tangy smell of the cream cheese frosting. How delightful.

He opened his eyes to see Crowley leaning over the table towards him, smiling and looking immersed in the vicarious experience. Aziraphale placed his fork across his plate and patted his mouth with the napkin. He leaned towards Crowley in return and said thoughtfully, "I realized, finally, what you were up to."

"Hmmmm?" Crowley replied distractedly. "There are so many possibilities. You're going to have to be more specific."

"I was so new and uncertain of my place when we first met. And you questioned everything. I felt I had to defend everything."

Crowley sat back, mouth making a 'O' as he answered. "Oh, well. That was just me, wasn't it? I couldn't stop myself. I saw things that didn't make sense and I opened my big mouth." He smirked. "Got me in a bit of trouble, that."

Aziraphale smiled sadly. Even after all this time the thought of Crowley's fall from grace made a strange hole in his chest. "Well, yes. But I always looked back at that as the beginning of you trying to wheedle me into the Arrangement." Out of habit he glanced around. 

Crowley grinned and leaned forward to mock whisper, "too late now, Angel. The cat's out of the bag."

Aziraphale looked disapproving. "Cats in bags. That would be your kind."

Crowley nodded. "Very likely. However, I was too stupid to think of manipulating you that early on. You'll have to think much later for that."

Aziraphale looked aghast. "Stupid?! You were no such thing. You were young. Innocent."

Lips drawn up in a smirk Crowley threw himself back against the chair, legs sprawled. "I was a demon. They're never innocent."

Turning up his nose Aziraphale finished the last swallow of wine. He savored the flavors a moment before turning his attention back. "Be that as it may, it was the beginning. If it didn't occur to you then, I'm certain you thought to capitalize upon it later." Crowley raised his eyebrows and didn't answer, so Aziraphale continued. "You did make me doubt. By asking question upon question. You had no faith or understanding of the . . ."

"Yes Angel. The ineffable plan. You might have mentioned it."

Aziraphale sniffed. "Fine. So for all this time I assumed you were buttering me up to agree, then keeping me off balance so I wouldn't change my mind."

Crowley grinned. "You're onto me, Aziraphale."

Aziraphale gave him a cutting look and continued as if he hadn't spoken. "But now I realize the truth."

Eyebrows to the ceiling, Crowley spread his hands wide. "Well, don't keep me in suspense."

"You were preparing me to rebel. To become a renegade Angel to defeat Armageddon."

"Well, if I'm supposed to have been doing this since the garden, how very forward-thinking of me." He stretched his arms out laced then behind his head. 

"But you were. You just didn't know it yet."

"What are you going on about, Angel? Is there a point to this beyond me being an even more amazing Demon than my memos indicated?"

"Think about it, Crowley. All those years you were motivated to get me to break the rules, no, not break." He looked thoughtful a moment. "Bend. Just bend them. You put together the Arrangement. You kept me safe from harm . . ."

Crowley snickered. "That was harder than one would think."

"You even saved me from discorporation once." He shrugged and conceded, "maybe twice."

Crowley waggled a finger. "More than that, you know the truth."

"Regardless," Aziraphale continued firmly, "you had a deeper motive."

"Supposedly one I didn't even know about."

"Yes! You needed me to have my grace, to be your opposite. Yin and Yang, so to speak. Because it was the only way we could play our part in stopping Armageddon!"

"What're you on about! Armageddon was barely a fleeting thought for most of that six thousand years. It was like, like . . . Humans preparing for retirement, while all the while they half don't believe it's even truly going to happen. You know I'm not a big planner, Aziraphale. That requires thinking ahead. Not thinking ahead is almost my motto."

"Ah ha!" Aziraphale pointed. "Exactly. You weren't the one planning. You weren't the one pulling the strings."

"Get to the point before I leave you to walk home."

"You wouldn't." Aziraphale pouted, but continued. "I think this proves that this whole debacle was part of the Ineffable Plan."

"What proves it? Have you not gotten enough natural light? Drunk enough water?"

"I'm fine. And I'm not a plant. Just listen to me. All those years you kept asking, asking, asking. Why is it important for humankind to be ignorant of good and evil. Why would the Almighty kill so many. Why would She destroy the world in a Great War, in effect punishing humans for being the flawed creatures, that She herself created that way? All this was not meant to tempt me to fall, but just open my mind to the possibilites that the rules might not actually make sense. That perhaps we were meant to save these flawed creatures. That perhaps That was the plan all along."

Crowley shuddered a little. "So you're suggesting I've been led by my nose like cattle to the slaughter, all these years?"

"Ah," Aziraphale made a point with his finger, "led, yes. But not to the slaughter. We saved the world, Crowley. In spite of everything that was thrown in our path. We did it. And we survived."

"Not for lack of everyone trying, I still have nightmares about that holy water bath you took for me."

"And how did we manage to escape being obliviated by holy water and hell fire?"

"By not being there for our own executions!"

"And how did we manage that?"

"Because of some brilliant planning!"

"But whose idea was it?"

"Bah, I thought we weren't going to argue about credit on that one."

"Because neither of us gets the credit. It was Agnes Nutter's idea. Well, not her idea exactly . . ."

Crowley sat up and sprawled himself over the table. "What does human prophecy have to do with anything? Her writing those words four hundred years ago wouldn't have effected my words six thousand years ago."

Aziraphale smiled smugly. "Exactly. The difference between Agnes Nutter and the other writers of prophecy were that her's were true. Which means . . ."

Crowley looked at him silently for a very long time. "Are you saying what I think you're saying? Because that would be completely mad."

"More mad than meeting the Antichrist, watching children defeat the four horsemen, and surviving hell fire and holy water?"

Crowley bit his lip. "I don't want to be part of the ineffable plan."

Aziraphale patted his hand. Crowley's eyes fell over where his hand had been touched and stayed there. "If it makes you feel better, we are probably done with our part."

"Not helping." Crowley slumped back. "So you're basing your whole theory that our entire existence and time together on Earth had just been to stop Armageddon--on some looney woman's scribbles?"

"Those scribbles saved our eternal souls from something much worse than ending up in Hell." He waved towards Crowley and hastily added, "or in your case, Heaven." He pursed his lips and Crowley couldn't help a smile. "It told us exactly what we needed to do. And it was the last prophecy from the book. It quite literally flew--right into my hand!"

"Fine, fine." Crowley waved him off. "Say that's true, now what? Does she have more planned? I thought we had achieved something like free-will from all this. But is that still an illusion?"

"Now we continue on, as always. We lived rather human lives in between our orders. No reason to change that now. And . . ." He hesitated, and watched Crowley from the corner of his eye as he busily smoothed the tablecloth before him. "I for one am glad She brought us together. I hope you wish to continue, even though the Arrangement is no longer necessary."

Crowley watched Aziraphale's eyes fall to his empty plate, his fingers now toying with the fork. He sat up, leaning as far over as the chair and table would allow.

"Angel." He waited for Aziraphale to meet his shaded eyes. "However the Hell, er Heaven this happened? I have no intention of letting you off the hook now."

Aziraphale looked hopefully, searching. Finally he smiled. "How is it I was so lucky to be the one ending up here, like this?"

"Apparently, Heaven only knows."


End file.
